How to…survive a shopping spree

This is a new section where I’ll try sharing some of the experiences I had around women, and to draw some guidelines that could come in handy to a guy. It’s a series of “how to” ‘s. Naturally, I’ll start with the most important “how to” of all: surviving a shopping spree.

There are a few things a guy should know when he gets the news “I’m going shopping. you’re coming with me”.

1. You were not her first choice. Her best friend was. Somehow, she couldn’t come, that made your girl angry, so she turned to the next person she could find. You, my friend are the “it will do” solution.
2. You clearly fucked up somehow, so this is her way of showing you that everything in life has a price.
3. You are not there to express any opinions. You are there for one reason only: to remember prices, item, colors, sizes, and to carry stuff around.
4. There is yet another reason you are there: and that is to hold her jacket and/or purse, while walking through the mall. That is her way of showing the other girls you are taken, plus a little humiliation goes a long way.
5. You are not allowed to make jokes about any items. She will find that irritating.
6. If, God forbid, you kill her shopping buzz, prepare for a world of pain. You will get a warning too. Hint! Look for the eyes…as soon as they say “why the hell are you here?”, just shut up, make minimal eye contact, and try to stay very close to her. DO NOT HOLD HER HAND! You will become an obstacle!

Now, how to behave while in the mall. These are advices that I drew from my experiences…it took me 5 years to learn…so get a pen and write them down.

1. Always offer yourself to carry her purse. Not doing so, will result in you carrying her purse, her jacket, and her scarf, or any other female accessories.
2. Never EVER talk on the phone. She will think you are bored, and she will get pissed. You’ll be in agony in about 10 minutes.
3. Never EVER look for some t-shirt you like, while she is shopping. This is her shopping time. Focus on her, or she will get pissed! Agony!!
4. Never EVER comment on what she’s trying on. It doesn’t matter if it’s nice or hideous…she knows you want to get out of there, so you do not have the credibly to make a comment. Often, she will try something she hates, just to try you. If you fail, prepare for PAIN!! Best response is “honey, this is about you. if you like it, then I’m happy!” (just to be safe suggest an option that will please her: “but I saw one on blue…if you want to try it on”)
5. Never EVER sit down, while she is trying out stuff. She will think you’re tired and you want to go home. That’s not good for her mood, so prepare for PAIN!!
6. Often she will try something on that fits her like a glove. She will of course, send you to bring her the same item, but three sizes smaller. NEVER EVER say “but this one fits you fine. She knows that! She will respond with “FINE! IF YOU THINK I’M A COW!!” you will feel the pain… in stead what you can do is to go to the shelf, pick up an item that is one size down, come back and say “the three size down one I could not find. MAKE PUPPY EYES!. If you are lucky, after 10 minutes of struggling, she will get that item on her. And she will not ask your opinion. Make sure on your way out, that you don’t pass by the rest of the items.
7. Never EVER comment on the price of an item!! She doesn’t care! But she will be ready to remind you of the money you spent on a watch two years ago. She will also throw in “What…I don’t deserve this? Don’t I do enough?” DO NOT ANSWER THESE QUSTIONS!! PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN, do not say I’m sorry instead distract her, try to show her shoes…in a window somewhere. That will buy you time to recover.
8. After shopping advice. When you get home, if she doesn’t start destroying the packaging to get to whatever she has bought, do not ask her to try it on. That means that she got bored already, that most of the stuff she doesn’t really like, and that you are just annoying for trying so hard. “maybe you should be a man from time to time!”…