We are animals!

Dolphins and men have sex because they enjoy it, cats and women….have other things in common. Well…see for yourselves.

p.s. I totally identify with the black cat….

The receipt of love

I never believed in props, when it comes to sex. For that matter, I never really put to much time in foreplay either. I mean, come on…who the hell are we fouling? We’re gonna have sex! why waste the time with stupid, around the bush games?!

Sex should be straight forward, so you can finish, eat, rest, and go again.
Since I never really looked into these kind of things, I thought to myself that I could try, just to see what happens.

So, reading around, I found out about all this food that is supposed to be erotic. That’s nice, isn’t it? I mean, food and sex, doesn’t sound that bad, not to mention drinking too. I went out and got some chocolate ice-cream, a can of whip cream, bananas and red wine.

Girl came over, we sat on the couch, we started talking about stupid crap.
Then I had a dilemma…do I tell her I have planned something special…or do I just bring out the stuff…and it will be self-implied? I decide that courting a lady with food is something that can not be out-spoken…I had to be slick about it.

So, we talked a little, then I casually said “would you like some ice cream?” she’s like “no”.
We keep talking…ten minutes later…I offer her a banana. She’s like… no thank you! GOD damn it! This is not working…all this sexual food is making me nervous. And she’s not even gonna try it!

“I HAVE WINE! DO YOU WANT WINE?!” “-No. I’m good!”

At this point I’m getting desperate. She then clearly doesn’t want to have sex with me, and if that food is as sexual as the internet says, I’m going to have to throw it away.
I don’t trust myself to eat it alone! I’m too old for that!

I had to say something, so I take a sip of the wine, and go “this red wine sure makes you horny!”…and she says…”well, do something about it!”. Now I feel bad. I mean, I bought all those things for her…I tried to get her in the mood and here I am. It didn’t feel right so I offered her some whip cream.

She said no again. I don’t get it at this point. Does she want to have sex or not?! She refused all my direct sexual food proposals…that must mean no…but by the time I got around to asking her… the wine and the ice-cream got to me, so I spent the next hour in the bathroom with a can of airfreshner in my hand.

So there! You can not make a woman horny with food. It’s stupid! Forget about it! Next time I’ll just ask if she wants to have sex, and I’ll have my chocolate as usual after we finish.

There’s order in chaos!

Ever since I have started dating, I have learned a tough lesson: you ca never win an argument with a woman. Never! EVER!

For many years, I have put these failures on one common belief: women never use rational thinking when they are in a fight. They’re usually a rolling chaos that tumbles over you. Basically you can die hanging on to your arguments.

But then, last evening I came across something that put the entire issue into a new perspective. Apparently what I though it to be chaos is some kind of native erudition. Did you know that what seems chaos to us is actually Arthur Schopenhauer?

He wrote 38 ways to win an argument. Here are 17! Take a pen and just check all of them. It happened to you! it will happen again! trust me!

1 Carry your opponent’s proposition beyond its natural limits; exaggerate it. – been there

2 Use different meanings of your opponent’s words to refute his argument. – been there too

3 Ignore your opponent’s proposition, which was intended to refer to some particular thing. – sooo been there

4 Hide your conclusion from your opponent until the end. Mingle your premises here and there in your talk. – “what the fuck are you saying?” is the most common question that comes into a guy’s mind when he’s fighting with a woman…

5 Use your opponent’s beliefs against him. – every single time!!

6 State your proposition and show the truth of it by asking the opponent many questions. – and sometimes the questions repeat themselves…you know …just for fun.

7 Make your opponent angry. – you’ll be angry, and frustrated, and pissed off, and feel like hitting yourself with a hammer…

8 Use your opponent’s answers to your question to reach different or even opposite conclusions. - “Did you use what I gave you for your birthday?!” no…haven’t been in situations that requiered a kilt… “of course not! because you don’t love me!!”

9 Try to bluff your opponent. – “I know you talked with your ex!” yes I did… “WHAT?!! WHEN?!”

10 If you wish to advance a proposition that is difficult to prove, put it aside for the moment. – “honeeey…do you like this bra I bought?” (sounds familiar?! be alert!)

11 When your opponent puts forth a proposition, find it inconsistent with his or her other statements, beliefs, actions or lack of action. – “I promise I won’t do it again!” – “You said that before!”

12 If your opponent presses you with a counter-proof, you will often be able to save yourself by advancing some subtle distinction. “When I cheated on you it was different! You pushed me into it!”

13 If your opponent has taken up a line of argument that will end in your defeat, you must not allow him to carry it to its conclusion. – “THAT’S IT! I’M DONE! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS ANYMORE!” -usually that means she won…accept defeat. walk away…

14 If you find that you are being beaten, you can create a diversion–that is, you can suddenly begin to talk of something else, as though it had a bearing on the matter in dispute. - “Let’s not talk about it anymore. Kiss me!” – and to think that I used to believe that this meant I won…

15 Make an appeal to authority rather than reason. – “you should do it because I’m your girlfriend and I say so!”

16 You admit your opponent’s premises but deny the conclusion. “I lied to you, because I love you, not because I don’t…”

17 You may also puzzle and bewilder your opponent by mere bombast. “bla bla bla bla BLA BLA BLAAA!!”

Over-dozed by women. I survived

I got a cold, kept me in bed for two days. Well, not going to work and laying in bed, is not such a bad thing after all, and it could have been a good time to catch some rest if I wouldn’t have done one huge mistake: I told two of my female friends that I’m in bed with a cold.

The moment I told them that I’m in bed, I started getting phone calls, and messages, and everybody seemed to know exactly what is wrong with me and how to treat it.

Frustrating. Especially when the voice on the other side started the conversation with “WHY AREN’T YOU SLEEPING?” – are you kidding me?? How am I suppose to sleep if I have just became a radio control tower?!!

After about 15 phone calls, from at least 10 different persons, that kept reminding me that I never take care of myself and that I should drink my tea (I got at least 8 suggestions for tea), I started getting visits.

At first it was nice, you know, seeing that somebody cares about it, but my god, I was a step away from going under.

First visit: drink the tea, take the cough medicine, take some other medicine, have some vitamin c, put some sweater on you. had to endure 10 minutes of “you never take care…and why didn’t you call me first?!” (all good right? Decent enough…the treatment I need for a day like this)

Second visit: drink the tea, take the cough medicine, and some nose spray, and some vitamin c. and take that sweater off, can’t you see how hot you are in it? And had to endure 15 minutes of “I should have came here earlier! Look at you…you never take care,…and apparently you hate me because you didn’t call me to come here and help you….: (it’s ok…I’m just a little bit over with the drugs but I’m better…fever hasn’t gone down)

Third visit: did you have tea today? Here have your cough medicine. And here I brought you this drug, take it now…and then maybe take a vitamin c.

“Why are you smiling?? You, monkey? “ said the girl… funny she would say that. monkeys only smile when they are scared…

So I close my eyes and I take all those the third time, in …4 hours, cause I mean, they were so nice to me, and besides I was sick, no way I could have resisted them.

As I was just groggy enough to go to bed, my ex comes by. She sees me all tired and groggy, and of course she assumes that it is the horrible cold that pinned me down.

She looks on the table, sees all these pills…and draws a conclusion: “those did not work! You need something stronger!” before I could say anything she goes to the drug store and comes back with something stronger than everything I had already took that day combined together.

And she forces me to take them. And drink tea and take vitamin c, and take a sweater off, and put a t-shirt, and take some pants on…

And off course the looong looong very long speech about our relation and how she would have taken care of me, and how I would probably never do the same for her, and how I have missed on the best thing of my life…and how this could actually be gods way of punishing me…

At this point, I’m gone, I mean I’m really hallucinating, I definitely Over Dozed on all those drugs, just because I wanted to be nice and show all of them that I appreciate their care for me.
So, today, I’m feeling better! Ok?! The cold is slowly going away. The brain damage might be permanent though…

What the fuck, Dalai Lama?! U asshole!

I have just ran into what apparently is Dalai Lama’s code for a good life. Now, let me just say, that the guy may be Zen, and may have written these rules because he has never been in a relationship.

Nevertheless, DL, u son of a bitch!!! Somehow the women in my life have read this shit u came up with, so why the fuck ain’t I Zen?! I HATE YOU, YOU PRICK!

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

So, basically she’s like I love you so much, I’m like bitch, I’m at risk of loosing my balls here…she’s like, well great love involves great risks…shit!

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

First of all, I was always loosing. I even stopped trying after a while. And no matter what the war was about, there was only one lesson to be learned: “honey, I love you so much!”…

3. Follow the three Rs:
1. Respect for self
2. Respect for others
3. Responsibility for all your actions.

“I will never give you a bj! It’s beneath my dignity!” -  FUCK!
“I let you massage me because I know how you like to touch my body” – COCKMONKEY FUCK!
“honey, did you just fart?! WHAT!? How dare you! do you remember last Valentines that I was the only girl in the office that didn’t get flowers??!! – WHAT THE FUCK!!

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

A tear comes to my eye, thinking how lucky I have been all my life. My God! I could be a fucking millionaire, right Dalai?! U cocksucker!

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

It never worked. Breaking the rules means almost instant pain, asshole! But how would you know that? When was the last time you had to explain why do you get phone calls at 7 in the evening from some girl at the office?!! U ignorant prick!

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

Of course not! Just admit that you were WRONG! And apologize! Flowers are optional…

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

You got that right! What happened, some lady left you hungry for a few days?!!

8. Spend some time alone every day.

Like that’s even possible!! As soon as they feel you’re enjoying some alone time, if they’re not next to you to say some stupid shit like “u never talk to me anymore!”…be sure your phone will ring! But I guess you don’t have a phone, right?! LOSER!

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! What the hell, Dalai?!! Do even know, how many changes men have to go throgh just to hear some shit like “you’re not the guy u used to be?”… you are sooo pussy-whipped!!

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

SILENCE is NEVER the best answer! DO you love me? What do you have to say for your self? Aren’t you going to apologize? Who is she? NEVER go well with SILENCE, u little bitch!

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

FUCK YOU! OKAY?!! My therapist needs a therapist, motherfucker!

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

Do you love me? Yes I do! THEN GET DOWN AT THE FOUNDATION OF THIS HOME AND SUCK MY FOOT… How is that for loving atmosphere, huh?

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

Son of a bitch! I guess the women I met went blind on this rule! Nice try DL, but not convincing enough I guess.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

Yeah SURE! Tell her  you have been talking with some other girl…and she will make SURE you will die! SLOWLY! PAINFULLY! That’s how they see immortality!

15. Be gentle with the earth.

Of course I always take the trash out! What are you, crazy?!

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

You mean like really trying to see what I want? What a beautiful dream…

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

My GOD! Apparently I have been living in a pink fluffy dream with pink ponies and pink shit around! DALAI, I swear I would totally hit you in the balls! Just to see what I mean!

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Well then, wasn’t she the queen of efficiency, then!

And to think this guy, dalai lama pretends to be friends with Jesus! God damn it!

How to…have sex with her when she’s already asleep

This is a question that kept me up nights in a row…it’s trial and error process…I failed so many times, that I almost lost hope.

But true to my nature, I pressed on, for where would we be, if we would stop when we are denied something…

Results may vary! For treatment of broken bones, excuses for black eyes and soar backs from sleeping on the sofa, please, do not email me…u’re fucked, so why the hell would u try on these advices…

So, u’re in bed, she’s tired as fuck and she wants to sleep. U on the other hand, have just watched a French porn on mute, with the remote in your hand, in case she wakes up. So of course, u’re horny.

At this point u should know that getting butt naked and just waking her up will lead to nothing! At the best, she’ll forget about it in the morning…and let it go. at the worst u won’t have sex for another two to six days.

U could on the other hand take the softy approach. For that u have to do some homework first. Find out where she keeps her scented candles, find out where she keeps her scented oils. Get out of bed sloooowly, take them, light some candles and put them around the bed. Resist temptation of lighting a cigarette with one of the candles! Also, be careful, linen catches fire pretty quick. Then u’ll really going to be in pain!!

Put on some really groovy music , like Barry white or some shit…

Make sure u have your pajamas on, if u’re already naked she’ll get pissed.

Now start kissing her slowly on the neck, on the back, hold her close to u, but DO NOT touch her breasts. Doing so prematurely will result in nagging, and pain. U will sleep on the couch.

It doesn’t hurt to use a flower or something to caress her skin. If u don’t have a flower do not look for something green in the fridge. Parsley will not work!

Now, whisper sweet words in her ear…she will slowly wake up…she will look at u with her sleepy eyes, she will see her favorite “self time” candles on fire, she will hear that corny music at 3 in the morning, she will see u with a flower in your hand and if u’re lucky, asshole, she will go to bed! If you’re not lucky…all hell will break loose.

U never respect her privacy, what the hell where u doing in her private locker lighting her favorite candles??! and u never appreciate her, she had a horrible day, and now this?? Did u watch porn again?!! why wake her up when she’s already sleeping!! Didn’t u have sex last week?! Are u an animal !? GOD! U are just impossible, Mofo!!

Now, believe me, there is only ONE way to wake her up and to have sex with her. GET A DOG!
U’re in bed she’s sleeping. U want to have sex. Get the dog in the room and put him lick her face. The younger the dog the better the results! However! Caution! Don’t throw your self on top of her right after the dog. Let him wake her up, let her hug the dog, let them play a minute before u jump in to save the day. Say some brave shit like :”GO away dog! Let her sleep!”. She will smile and find u attractive. U then can start the routine! No candles, no flowers…take advantage of that 20 minutes she’s awake! It works! I’ve tried it!

If u don’t have a dog, do not try it with cats! high risk of scratches…my god, u will suffer like a little bitch!
Or maybe you have a hamster…u could try it with a hamster. Have u ever seen how a crushed hamster looks on your wall? U’ll have a good chance now!
The same applies to a large variety of rodents that u might keep as pets…

But last, and most importantly, just to be safe…when that porno ends. put the TV on the sports channel, and just let her sleep. What the fuck is wrong with you?! she’s breathing without talking…the house I quiet…what in your structure can’t appreciate that!?!