The receipt of love

I never believed in props, when it comes to sex. For that matter, I never really put to much time in foreplay either. I mean, come on…who the hell are we fouling? We’re gonna have sex! why waste the time with stupid, around the bush games?!

Sex should be straight forward, so you can finish, eat, rest, and go again.
Since I never really looked into these kind of things, I thought to myself that I could try, just to see what happens.

So, reading around, I found out about all this food that is supposed to be erotic. That’s nice, isn’t it? I mean, food and sex, doesn’t sound that bad, not to mention drinking too. I went out and got some chocolate ice-cream, a can of whip cream, bananas and red wine.

Girl came over, we sat on the couch, we started talking about stupid crap.
Then I had a dilemma…do I tell her I have planned something special…or do I just bring out the stuff…and it will be self-implied? I decide that courting a lady with food is something that can not be out-spoken…I had to be slick about it.

So, we talked a little, then I casually said “would you like some ice cream?” she’s like “no”.
We keep talking…ten minutes later…I offer her a banana. She’s like… no thank you! GOD damn it! This is not working…all this sexual food is making me nervous. And she’s not even gonna try it!

“I HAVE WINE! DO YOU WANT WINE?!” “-No. I’m good!”

At this point I’m getting desperate. She then clearly doesn’t want to have sex with me, and if that food is as sexual as the internet says, I’m going to have to throw it away.
I don’t trust myself to eat it alone! I’m too old for that!

I had to say something, so I take a sip of the wine, and go “this red wine sure makes you horny!”…and she says…”well, do something about it!”. Now I feel bad. I mean, I bought all those things for her…I tried to get her in the mood and here I am. It didn’t feel right so I offered her some whip cream.

She said no again. I don’t get it at this point. Does she want to have sex or not?! She refused all my direct sexual food proposals…that must mean no…but by the time I got around to asking her… the wine and the ice-cream got to me, so I spent the next hour in the bathroom with a can of airfreshner in my hand.

So there! You can not make a woman horny with food. It’s stupid! Forget about it! Next time I’ll just ask if she wants to have sex, and I’ll have my chocolate as usual after we finish.