How to…have sex with her when she’s already asleep

This is a question that kept me up nights in a row…it’s trial and error process…I failed so many times, that I almost lost hope.

But true to my nature, I pressed on, for where would we be, if we would stop when we are denied something…

Results may vary! For treatment of broken bones, excuses for black eyes and soar backs from sleeping on the sofa, please, do not email me…u’re fucked, so why the hell would u try on these advices…

So, u’re in bed, she’s tired as fuck and she wants to sleep. U on the other hand, have just watched a French porn on mute, with the remote in your hand, in case she wakes up. So of course, u’re horny.

At this point u should know that getting butt naked and just waking her up will lead to nothing! At the best, she’ll forget about it in the morning…and let it go. at the worst u won’t have sex for another two to six days.

U could on the other hand take the softy approach. For that u have to do some homework first. Find out where she keeps her scented candles, find out where she keeps her scented oils. Get out of bed sloooowly, take them, light some candles and put them around the bed. Resist temptation of lighting a cigarette with one of the candles! Also, be careful, linen catches fire pretty quick. Then u’ll really going to be in pain!!

Put on some really groovy music , like Barry white or some shit…

Make sure u have your pajamas on, if u’re already naked she’ll get pissed.

Now start kissing her slowly on the neck, on the back, hold her close to u, but DO NOT touch her breasts. Doing so prematurely will result in nagging, and pain. U will sleep on the couch.

It doesn’t hurt to use a flower or something to caress her skin. If u don’t have a flower do not look for something green in the fridge. Parsley will not work!

Now, whisper sweet words in her ear…she will slowly wake up…she will look at u with her sleepy eyes, she will see her favorite “self time” candles on fire, she will hear that corny music at 3 in the morning, she will see u with a flower in your hand and if u’re lucky, asshole, she will go to bed! If you’re not lucky…all hell will break loose.

U never respect her privacy, what the hell where u doing in her private locker lighting her favorite candles??! and u never appreciate her, she had a horrible day, and now this?? Did u watch porn again?!! why wake her up when she’s already sleeping!! Didn’t u have sex last week?! Are u an animal !? GOD! U are just impossible, Mofo!!

Now, believe me, there is only ONE way to wake her up and to have sex with her. GET A DOG!
U’re in bed she’s sleeping. U want to have sex. Get the dog in the room and put him lick her face. The younger the dog the better the results! However! Caution! Don’t throw your self on top of her right after the dog. Let him wake her up, let her hug the dog, let them play a minute before u jump in to save the day. Say some brave shit like :”GO away dog! Let her sleep!”. She will smile and find u attractive. U then can start the routine! No candles, no flowers…take advantage of that 20 minutes she’s awake! It works! I’ve tried it!

If u don’t have a dog, do not try it with cats! high risk of scratches…my god, u will suffer like a little bitch!
Or maybe you have a hamster…u could try it with a hamster. Have u ever seen how a crushed hamster looks on your wall? U’ll have a good chance now!
The same applies to a large variety of rodents that u might keep as pets…

But last, and most importantly, just to be safe…when that porno ends. put the TV on the sports channel, and just let her sleep. What the fuck is wrong with you?! she’s breathing without talking…the house I quiet…what in your structure can’t appreciate that!?!

How to…survive a shopping spree

This is a new section where I’ll try sharing some of the experiences I had around women, and to draw some guidelines that could come in handy to a guy. It’s a series of “how to” ‘s. Naturally, I’ll start with the most important “how to” of all: surviving a shopping spree.

There are a few things a guy should know when he gets the news “I’m going shopping. you’re coming with me”.

1. You were not her first choice. Her best friend was. Somehow, she couldn’t come, that made your girl angry, so she turned to the next person she could find. You, my friend are the “it will do” solution.
2. You clearly fucked up somehow, so this is her way of showing you that everything in life has a price.
3. You are not there to express any opinions. You are there for one reason only: to remember prices, item, colors, sizes, and to carry stuff around.
4. There is yet another reason you are there: and that is to hold her jacket and/or purse, while walking through the mall. That is her way of showing the other girls you are taken, plus a little humiliation goes a long way.
5. You are not allowed to make jokes about any items. She will find that irritating.
6. If, God forbid, you kill her shopping buzz, prepare for a world of pain. You will get a warning too. Hint! Look for the eyes…as soon as they say “why the hell are you here?”, just shut up, make minimal eye contact, and try to stay very close to her. DO NOT HOLD HER HAND! You will become an obstacle!

Now, how to behave while in the mall. These are advices that I drew from my experiences…it took me 5 years to learn…so get a pen and write them down.

1. Always offer yourself to carry her purse. Not doing so, will result in you carrying her purse, her jacket, and her scarf, or any other female accessories.
2. Never EVER talk on the phone. She will think you are bored, and she will get pissed. You’ll be in agony in about 10 minutes.
3. Never EVER look for some t-shirt you like, while she is shopping. This is her shopping time. Focus on her, or she will get pissed! Agony!!
4. Never EVER comment on what she’s trying on. It doesn’t matter if it’s nice or hideous…she knows you want to get out of there, so you do not have the credibly to make a comment. Often, she will try something she hates, just to try you. If you fail, prepare for PAIN!! Best response is “honey, this is about you. if you like it, then I’m happy!” (just to be safe suggest an option that will please her: “but I saw one on blue…if you want to try it on”)
5. Never EVER sit down, while she is trying out stuff. She will think you’re tired and you want to go home. That’s not good for her mood, so prepare for PAIN!!
6. Often she will try something on that fits her like a glove. She will of course, send you to bring her the same item, but three sizes smaller. NEVER EVER say “but this one fits you fine. She knows that! She will respond with “FINE! IF YOU THINK I’M A COW!!” you will feel the pain… in stead what you can do is to go to the shelf, pick up an item that is one size down, come back and say “the three size down one I could not find. MAKE PUPPY EYES!. If you are lucky, after 10 minutes of struggling, she will get that item on her. And she will not ask your opinion. Make sure on your way out, that you don’t pass by the rest of the items.
7. Never EVER comment on the price of an item!! She doesn’t care! But she will be ready to remind you of the money you spent on a watch two years ago. She will also throw in “What…I don’t deserve this? Don’t I do enough?” DO NOT ANSWER THESE QUSTIONS!! PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN, do not say I’m sorry instead distract her, try to show her shoes…in a window somewhere. That will buy you time to recover.
8. After shopping advice. When you get home, if she doesn’t start destroying the packaging to get to whatever she has bought, do not ask her to try it on. That means that she got bored already, that most of the stuff she doesn’t really like, and that you are just annoying for trying so hard. “maybe you should be a man from time to time!”…