The receipt of love

I never believed in props, when it comes to sex. For that matter, I never really put to much time in foreplay either. I mean, come on…who the hell are we fouling? We’re gonna have sex! why waste the time with stupid, around the bush games?!

Sex should be straight forward, so you can finish, eat, rest, and go again.
Since I never really looked into these kind of things, I thought to myself that I could try, just to see what happens.

So, reading around, I found out about all this food that is supposed to be erotic. That’s nice, isn’t it? I mean, food and sex, doesn’t sound that bad, not to mention drinking too. I went out and got some chocolate ice-cream, a can of whip cream, bananas and red wine.

Girl came over, we sat on the couch, we started talking about stupid crap.
Then I had a dilemma…do I tell her I have planned something special…or do I just bring out the stuff…and it will be self-implied? I decide that courting a lady with food is something that can not be out-spoken…I had to be slick about it.

So, we talked a little, then I casually said “would you like some ice cream?” she’s like “no”.
We keep talking…ten minutes later…I offer her a banana. She’s like… no thank you! GOD damn it! This is not working…all this sexual food is making me nervous. And she’s not even gonna try it!

“I HAVE WINE! DO YOU WANT WINE?!” “-No. I’m good!”

At this point I’m getting desperate. She then clearly doesn’t want to have sex with me, and if that food is as sexual as the internet says, I’m going to have to throw it away.
I don’t trust myself to eat it alone! I’m too old for that!

I had to say something, so I take a sip of the wine, and go “this red wine sure makes you horny!”…and she says…”well, do something about it!”. Now I feel bad. I mean, I bought all those things for her…I tried to get her in the mood and here I am. It didn’t feel right so I offered her some whip cream.

She said no again. I don’t get it at this point. Does she want to have sex or not?! She refused all my direct sexual food proposals…that must mean no…but by the time I got around to asking her… the wine and the ice-cream got to me, so I spent the next hour in the bathroom with a can of airfreshner in my hand.

So there! You can not make a woman horny with food. It’s stupid! Forget about it! Next time I’ll just ask if she wants to have sex, and I’ll have my chocolate as usual after we finish.

Over-dozed by women. I survived

I got a cold, kept me in bed for two days. Well, not going to work and laying in bed, is not such a bad thing after all, and it could have been a good time to catch some rest if I wouldn’t have done one huge mistake: I told two of my female friends that I’m in bed with a cold.

The moment I told them that I’m in bed, I started getting phone calls, and messages, and everybody seemed to know exactly what is wrong with me and how to treat it.

Frustrating. Especially when the voice on the other side started the conversation with “WHY AREN’T YOU SLEEPING?” – are you kidding me?? How am I suppose to sleep if I have just became a radio control tower?!!

After about 15 phone calls, from at least 10 different persons, that kept reminding me that I never take care of myself and that I should drink my tea (I got at least 8 suggestions for tea), I started getting visits.

At first it was nice, you know, seeing that somebody cares about it, but my god, I was a step away from going under.

First visit: drink the tea, take the cough medicine, take some other medicine, have some vitamin c, put some sweater on you. had to endure 10 minutes of “you never take care…and why didn’t you call me first?!” (all good right? Decent enough…the treatment I need for a day like this)

Second visit: drink the tea, take the cough medicine, and some nose spray, and some vitamin c. and take that sweater off, can’t you see how hot you are in it? And had to endure 15 minutes of “I should have came here earlier! Look at you…you never take care,…and apparently you hate me because you didn’t call me to come here and help you….: (it’s ok…I’m just a little bit over with the drugs but I’m better…fever hasn’t gone down)

Third visit: did you have tea today? Here have your cough medicine. And here I brought you this drug, take it now…and then maybe take a vitamin c.

“Why are you smiling?? You, monkey? “ said the girl… funny she would say that. monkeys only smile when they are scared…

So I close my eyes and I take all those the third time, in …4 hours, cause I mean, they were so nice to me, and besides I was sick, no way I could have resisted them.

As I was just groggy enough to go to bed, my ex comes by. She sees me all tired and groggy, and of course she assumes that it is the horrible cold that pinned me down.

She looks on the table, sees all these pills…and draws a conclusion: “those did not work! You need something stronger!” before I could say anything she goes to the drug store and comes back with something stronger than everything I had already took that day combined together.

And she forces me to take them. And drink tea and take vitamin c, and take a sweater off, and put a t-shirt, and take some pants on…

And off course the looong looong very long speech about our relation and how she would have taken care of me, and how I would probably never do the same for her, and how I have missed on the best thing of my life…and how this could actually be gods way of punishing me…

At this point, I’m gone, I mean I’m really hallucinating, I definitely Over Dozed on all those drugs, just because I wanted to be nice and show all of them that I appreciate their care for me.
So, today, I’m feeling better! Ok?! The cold is slowly going away. The brain damage might be permanent though…

Taxi counseling

I got this idea from a politician that hired his driver as a counselor…the politician is a prime minister, the driver…well he’s just a driver… of course the media jumped right at his throat … who the hell hires a driver to help you take decisions for an entire country.

On the other hand….the driver is the guy that drove him to work, home, to parties, maybe even to late visits around the city… so they must have some kind of chemistry.

I support this decision…and to prove it I will share a few advices I got from taxi drivers.

The city at night, low traffic, raining… I’m in a cab, we pass by some hookers. The cab driver (around 45) looks at me and says: “never get a hooker when it rains. They have a wet hair, and could wet your pants”.

The city at day, high traffic, sunny… I’m in a cab, stuck in traffic. Out of the blue, the cab driver looks at me and goes: “you know what you should do? You should walk more. I hate customers that use the cab for a mile or two. What the hell is wrong with you? Next time…walk!”

So… if you have ever been in a cab, and got an advice from the cab driver… share… let’s make it a cab driver counseling post… maybe you don’t have any use for that advice, but could come in handy to other people, or to an entire country…