p.s. I totally identify with the black cat….

Sex should be straight forward, so you can finish, eat, rest, and go again.
Since I never really looked into these kind of things, I thought to myself that I could try, just to see what happens.

So, reading around, I found out about all this food that is supposed to be erotic. That’s nice, isn’t it? I mean, food and sex, doesn’t sound that bad, not to mention drinking too. I went out and got some chocolate ice-cream, a can of whip cream, bananas and red wine.

Girl came over, we sat on the couch, we started talking about stupid crap.
Then I had a dilemma…do I tell her I have planned something special…or do I just bring out the stuff…and it will be self-implied? I decide that courting a lady with food is something that can not be out-spoken…I had to be slick about it.

So, we talked a little, then I casually said “would you like some ice cream?” she’s like “no”.
We keep talking…ten minutes later…I offer her a banana. She’s like… no thank you! GOD damn it! This is not working…all this sexual food is making me nervous. And she’s not even gonna try it!

“I HAVE WINE! DO YOU WANT WINE?!” “-No. I’m good!”

At this point I’m getting desperate. She then clearly doesn’t want to have sex with me, and if that food is as sexual as the internet says, I’m going to have to throw it away.
I don’t trust myself to eat it alone! I’m too old for that!

I had to say something, so I take a sip of the wine, and go “this red wine sure makes you horny!”…and she says…”well, do something about it!”. Now I feel bad. I mean, I bought all those things for her…I tried to get her in the mood and here I am. It didn’t feel right so I offered her some whip cream.

She said no again. I don’t get it at this point. Does she want to have sex or not?! She refused all my direct sexual food proposals…that must mean no…but by the time I got around to asking her… the wine and the ice-cream got to me, so I spent the next hour in the bathroom with a can of airfreshner in my hand.

So there! You can not make a woman horny with food. It’s stupid! Forget about it! Next time I’ll just ask if she wants to have sex, and I’ll have my chocolate as usual after we finish.

For many years, I have put these failures on one common belief: women never use rational thinking when they are in a fight. They’re usually a rolling chaos that tumbles over you. Basically you can die hanging on to your arguments.

But then, last evening I came across something that put the entire issue into a new perspective. Apparently what I though it to be chaos is some kind of native erudition. Did you know that what seems chaos to us is actually Arthur Schopenhauer?

He wrote 38 ways to win an argument. Here are 17! Take a pen and just check all of them. It happened to you! it will happen again! trust me!

1 Carry your opponent’s proposition beyond its natural limits; exaggerate it. – been there

2 Use different meanings of your opponent’s words to refute his argument. – been there too

3 Ignore your opponent’s proposition, which was intended to refer to some particular thing. – sooo been there

4 Hide your conclusion from your opponent until the end. Mingle your premises here and there in your talk. – “what the fuck are you saying?” is the most common question that comes into a guy’s mind when he’s fighting with a woman…

5 Use your opponent’s beliefs against him. – every single time!!

6 State your proposition and show the truth of it by asking the opponent many questions. – and sometimes the questions repeat themselves…you know …just for fun.

7 Make your opponent angry. – you’ll be angry, and frustrated, and pissed off, and feel like hitting yourself with a hammer…

8 Use your opponent’s answers to your question to reach different or even opposite conclusions. - “Did you use what I gave you for your birthday?!” no…haven’t been in situations that requiered a kilt… “of course not! because you don’t love me!!”

9 Try to bluff your opponent. – “I know you talked with your ex!” yes I did… “WHAT?!! WHEN?!”

10 If you wish to advance a proposition that is difficult to prove, put it aside for the moment. – “honeeey…do you like this bra I bought?” (sounds familiar?! be alert!)

11 When your opponent puts forth a proposition, find it inconsistent with his or her other statements, beliefs, actions or lack of action. – “I promise I won’t do it again!” – “You said that before!”

12 If your opponent presses you with a counter-proof, you will often be able to save yourself by advancing some subtle distinction. “When I cheated on you it was different! You pushed me into it!”

13 If your opponent has taken up a line of argument that will end in your defeat, you must not allow him to carry it to its conclusion. – “THAT’S IT! I’M DONE! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS ANYMORE!” -usually that means she won…accept defeat. walk away…

14 If you find that you are being beaten, you can create a diversion–that is, you can suddenly begin to talk of something else, as though it had a bearing on the matter in dispute. - “Let’s not talk about it anymore. Kiss me!” – and to think that I used to believe that this meant I won…

15 Make an appeal to authority rather than reason. – “you should do it because I’m your girlfriend and I say so!”

16 You admit your opponent’s premises but deny the conclusion. “I lied to you, because I love you, not because I don’t…”

17 You may also puzzle and bewilder your opponent by mere bombast. “bla bla bla bla BLA BLA BLAAA!!”

The moment I told them that I’m in bed, I started getting phone calls, and messages, and everybody seemed to know exactly what is wrong with me and how to treat it.

Frustrating. Especially when the voice on the other side started the conversation with “WHY AREN’T YOU SLEEPING?” – are you kidding me?? How am I suppose to sleep if I have just became a radio control tower?!!

After about 15 phone calls, from at least 10 different persons, that kept reminding me that I never take care of myself and that I should drink my tea (I got at least 8 suggestions for tea), I started getting visits.

At first it was nice, you know, seeing that somebody cares about it, but my god, I was a step away from going under.

First visit: drink the tea, take the cough medicine, take some other medicine, have some vitamin c, put some sweater on you. had to endure 10 minutes of “you never take care…and why didn’t you call me first?!” (all good right? Decent enough…the treatment I need for a day like this)

Second visit: drink the tea, take the cough medicine, and some nose spray, and some vitamin c. and take that sweater off, can’t you see how hot you are in it? And had to endure 15 minutes of “I should have came here earlier! Look at you…you never take care,…and apparently you hate me because you didn’t call me to come here and help you….: (it’s ok…I’m just a little bit over with the drugs but I’m better…fever hasn’t gone down)

Third visit: did you have tea today? Here have your cough medicine. And here I brought you this drug, take it now…and then maybe take a vitamin c.

“Why are you smiling?? You, monkey? “ said the girl… funny she would say that. monkeys only smile when they are scared…

So I close my eyes and I take all those the third time, in …4 hours, cause I mean, they were so nice to me, and besides I was sick, no way I could have resisted them.

As I was just groggy enough to go to bed, my ex comes by. She sees me all tired and groggy, and of course she assumes that it is the horrible cold that pinned me down.

She looks on the table, sees all these pills…and draws a conclusion: “those did not work! You need something stronger!” before I could say anything she goes to the drug store and comes back with something stronger than everything I had already took that day combined together.

And she forces me to take them. And drink tea and take vitamin c, and take a sweater off, and put a t-shirt, and take some pants on…

And off course the looong looong very long speech about our relation and how she would have taken care of me, and how I would probably never do the same for her, and how I have missed on the best thing of my life…and how this could actually be gods way of punishing me…

At this point, I’m gone, I mean I’m really hallucinating, I definitely Over Dozed on all those drugs, just because I wanted to be nice and show all of them that I appreciate their care for me.
So, today, I’m feeling better! Ok?! The cold is slowly going away. The brain damage might be permanent though…

Nevertheless, DL, u son of a bitch!!! Somehow the women in my life have read this shit u came up with, so why the fuck ain’t I Zen?! I HATE YOU, YOU PRICK!

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

So, basically she’s like I love you so much, I’m like bitch, I’m at risk of loosing my balls here…she’s like, well great love involves great risks…shit!

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

First of all, I was always loosing. I even stopped trying after a while. And no matter what the war was about, there was only one lesson to be learned: “honey, I love you so much!”…

3. Follow the three Rs:
1. Respect for self
2. Respect for others
3. Responsibility for all your actions.

“I will never give you a bj! It’s beneath my dignity!” -  FUCK!
“I let you massage me because I know how you like to touch my body” – COCKMONKEY FUCK!
“honey, did you just fart?! WHAT!? How dare you! do you remember last Valentines that I was the only girl in the office that didn’t get flowers??!! – WHAT THE FUCK!!

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

A tear comes to my eye, thinking how lucky I have been all my life. My God! I could be a fucking millionaire, right Dalai?! U cocksucker!

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

It never worked. Breaking the rules means almost instant pain, asshole! But how would you know that? When was the last time you had to explain why do you get phone calls at 7 in the evening from some girl at the office?!! U ignorant prick!

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

Of course not! Just admit that you were WRONG! And apologize! Flowers are optional…

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

You got that right! What happened, some lady left you hungry for a few days?!!

8. Spend some time alone every day.

Like that’s even possible!! As soon as they feel you’re enjoying some alone time, if they’re not next to you to say some stupid shit like “u never talk to me anymore!”…be sure your phone will ring! But I guess you don’t have a phone, right?! LOSER!

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! What the hell, Dalai?!! Do even know, how many changes men have to go throgh just to hear some shit like “you’re not the guy u used to be?”… you are sooo pussy-whipped!!

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

SILENCE is NEVER the best answer! DO you love me? What do you have to say for your self? Aren’t you going to apologize? Who is she? NEVER go well with SILENCE, u little bitch!

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

FUCK YOU! OKAY?!! My therapist needs a therapist, motherfucker!

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

Do you love me? Yes I do! THEN GET DOWN AT THE FOUNDATION OF THIS HOME AND SUCK MY FOOT… How is that for loving atmosphere, huh?

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

Son of a bitch! I guess the women I met went blind on this rule! Nice try DL, but not convincing enough I guess.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

Yeah SURE! Tell her  you have been talking with some other girl…and she will make SURE you will die! SLOWLY! PAINFULLY! That’s how they see immortality!

15. Be gentle with the earth.

Of course I always take the trash out! What are you, crazy?!

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

You mean like really trying to see what I want? What a beautiful dream…

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

My GOD! Apparently I have been living in a pink fluffy dream with pink ponies and pink shit around! DALAI, I swear I would totally hit you in the balls! Just to see what I mean!

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Well then, wasn’t she the queen of efficiency, then!

And to think this guy, dalai lama pretends to be friends with Jesus! God damn it!

But true to my nature, I pressed on, for where would we be, if we would stop when we are denied something…

Results may vary! For treatment of broken bones, excuses for black eyes and soar backs from sleeping on the sofa, please, do not email me…u’re fucked, so why the hell would u try on these advices…

So, u’re in bed, she’s tired as fuck and she wants to sleep. U on the other hand, have just watched a French porn on mute, with the remote in your hand, in case she wakes up. So of course, u’re horny.

At this point u should know that getting butt naked and just waking her up will lead to nothing! At the best, she’ll forget about it in the morning…and let it go. at the worst u won’t have sex for another two to six days.

U could on the other hand take the softy approach. For that u have to do some homework first. Find out where she keeps her scented candles, find out where she keeps her scented oils. Get out of bed sloooowly, take them, light some candles and put them around the bed. Resist temptation of lighting a cigarette with one of the candles! Also, be careful, linen catches fire pretty quick. Then u’ll really going to be in pain!!

Put on some really groovy music , like Barry white or some shit…

Make sure u have your pajamas on, if u’re already naked she’ll get pissed.

Now start kissing her slowly on the neck, on the back, hold her close to u, but DO NOT touch her breasts. Doing so prematurely will result in nagging, and pain. U will sleep on the couch.

It doesn’t hurt to use a flower or something to caress her skin. If u don’t have a flower do not look for something green in the fridge. Parsley will not work!

Now, whisper sweet words in her ear…she will slowly wake up…she will look at u with her sleepy eyes, she will see her favorite “self time” candles on fire, she will hear that corny music at 3 in the morning, she will see u with a flower in your hand and if u’re lucky, asshole, she will go to bed! If you’re not lucky…all hell will break loose.

U never respect her privacy, what the hell where u doing in her private locker lighting her favorite candles??! and u never appreciate her, she had a horrible day, and now this?? Did u watch porn again?!! why wake her up when she’s already sleeping!! Didn’t u have sex last week?! Are u an animal !? GOD! U are just impossible, Mofo!!

Now, believe me, there is only ONE way to wake her up and to have sex with her. GET A DOG!
U’re in bed she’s sleeping. U want to have sex. Get the dog in the room and put him lick her face. The younger the dog the better the results! However! Caution! Don’t throw your self on top of her right after the dog. Let him wake her up, let her hug the dog, let them play a minute before u jump in to save the day. Say some brave shit like :”GO away dog! Let her sleep!”. She will smile and find u attractive. U then can start the routine! No candles, no flowers…take advantage of that 20 minutes she’s awake! It works! I’ve tried it!

If u don’t have a dog, do not try it with cats! high risk of scratches…my god, u will suffer like a little bitch!
Or maybe you have a hamster…u could try it with a hamster. Have u ever seen how a crushed hamster looks on your wall? U’ll have a good chance now!
The same applies to a large variety of rodents that u might keep as pets…

But last, and most importantly, just to be safe…when that porno ends. put the TV on the sports channel, and just let her sleep. What the fuck is wrong with you?! she’s breathing without talking…the house I quiet…what in your structure can’t appreciate that!?!

I actually think Mel Gibson is the only one that could kick Chuck Norris’s ass. BIG TIME!! The guy is like a guru!!

And one more thing… I would commit to a relationship…too if I were Mel.

List of favorite Mel Gibson movies:

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

He’s dealing with a woman that is a mental case, she still hangs on to her childhood fantasy kingdom, that has taken over her entire life and causes her endless pain and degradation.

That is so true! There are so many crazy women are out there, GOD, you go Mel!

Mad Max

Mel’s wife gets killed by some gang. He goes after them and… tries to thank them, but they miss understand his intentions, and he ends up kicking the shit out of them.

Lethal Weapon

He’s a cop, his wife died in a car accident, and he’s a bit sad, but smiling.

Hamlet

I think we all know the sick shit that goes on in that play!

Forever young

His girlfriend goes in a coma. He gets frozen and he wakes up in a better world. Sadly, he’s a bit retarded after the experience, cause he decides to find her…

Braveheart

His wife dies in his arms. He decides to free Scotland after that shock.

Payback

He gets a woman, that shoots him, but he takes revenge. Do NOT fuck with MEL!

The patriot

He has like…3, 4 or 5 kids…the wife is dead. No clue on how she died…but damn, he’s a devoted family man.

What women want

The patriot takes a leap in the future and becomes an advertising guru. One kid, again no wife. Is this guy reproducing by himself?? And how does he do it??

Signs

The wife dies in a freak accident. You would have though that actresses would avoid movies with Mel. Does he share mortal secrets with them…and they have to die? What is going on?!!

Paparazzi

Mel is getting old…he’s bored already…he decides his wife will get crippled this time…but be allowed to life. So in Paparazzi, his wife almost dies in a car crash.

Edge of darkness

The movie will be released in September 2009. No clue about the wife, but just for diversity, his daughter dies in this movie.

I think you see what I’m saying here….

There are a few things a guy should know when he gets the news “I’m going shopping. you’re coming with me”.

1. You were not her first choice. Her best friend was. Somehow, she couldn’t come, that made your girl angry, so she turned to the next person she could find. You, my friend are the “it will do” solution.
2. You clearly fucked up somehow, so this is her way of showing you that everything in life has a price.
3. You are not there to express any opinions. You are there for one reason only: to remember prices, item, colors, sizes, and to carry stuff around.
4. There is yet another reason you are there: and that is to hold her jacket and/or purse, while walking through the mall. That is her way of showing the other girls you are taken, plus a little humiliation goes a long way.
5. You are not allowed to make jokes about any items. She will find that irritating.
6. If, God forbid, you kill her shopping buzz, prepare for a world of pain. You will get a warning too. Hint! Look for the eyes…as soon as they say “why the hell are you here?”, just shut up, make minimal eye contact, and try to stay very close to her. DO NOT HOLD HER HAND! You will become an obstacle!

Now, how to behave while in the mall. These are advices that I drew from my experiences…it took me 5 years to learn…so get a pen and write them down.

1. Always offer yourself to carry her purse. Not doing so, will result in you carrying her purse, her jacket, and her scarf, or any other female accessories.
2. Never EVER talk on the phone. She will think you are bored, and she will get pissed. You’ll be in agony in about 10 minutes.
3. Never EVER look for some t-shirt you like, while she is shopping. This is her shopping time. Focus on her, or she will get pissed! Agony!!
4. Never EVER comment on what she’s trying on. It doesn’t matter if it’s nice or hideous…she knows you want to get out of there, so you do not have the credibly to make a comment. Often, she will try something she hates, just to try you. If you fail, prepare for PAIN!! Best response is “honey, this is about you. if you like it, then I’m happy!” (just to be safe suggest an option that will please her: “but I saw one on blue…if you want to try it on”)
5. Never EVER sit down, while she is trying out stuff. She will think you’re tired and you want to go home. That’s not good for her mood, so prepare for PAIN!!
6. Often she will try something on that fits her like a glove. She will of course, send you to bring her the same item, but three sizes smaller. NEVER EVER say “but this one fits you fine. She knows that! She will respond with “FINE! IF YOU THINK I’M A COW!!” you will feel the pain… in stead what you can do is to go to the shelf, pick up an item that is one size down, come back and say “the three size down one I could not find. MAKE PUPPY EYES!. If you are lucky, after 10 minutes of struggling, she will get that item on her. And she will not ask your opinion. Make sure on your way out, that you don’t pass by the rest of the items.
7. Never EVER comment on the price of an item!! She doesn’t care! But she will be ready to remind you of the money you spent on a watch two years ago. She will also throw in “What…I don’t deserve this? Don’t I do enough?” DO NOT ANSWER THESE QUSTIONS!! PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN, do not say I’m sorry instead distract her, try to show her shoes…in a window somewhere. That will buy you time to recover.
8. After shopping advice. When you get home, if she doesn’t start destroying the packaging to get to whatever she has bought, do not ask her to try it on. That means that she got bored already, that most of the stuff she doesn’t really like, and that you are just annoying for trying so hard. “maybe you should be a man from time to time!”…

As if I didn’t have enough of them as it is, I started talking to new women, forcing myself to go beyond the friend zone. So, there I am talking to about three women, that I wouldn’t mind dating.

Two of them are really young, so they piss the hell out of me with their “huge dilemmas about life”…the way they dramatize everything, the way they see all kind of life threatening problems in the smallest things… “uuu…nobody understands me, oh my God, I have a broken nail….kids are starving in Africa…” ….. son of a bitch!! Just shut the fuck up!! I don’t want to hear about it… I’m just trying to watch the movie…just…be quiet! Stop breathing! I’m so tired of it.

The third one is older, she’s nice, we talk a lot, but I’m in the friend zone. And I want the honey, but hate the bees that could come out of the hive.

It’s Saturday night, I had plans to see a movie with one of them…she calls 30 minutes ago and she cancels… no reason. Well fuck you then!! With your little dramas and your little crisis…so tonight I’ll just watch the K1 games and that’s all.

I’m pissed!!

later edit: I do have one girl I’m happy to be in the friend zone with. she kinda looks after me… but she’s not a woman…she’s just a really cool person that’s not a guy… (that’s how i see her)

On the other hand….the driver is the guy that drove him to work, home, to parties, maybe even to late visits around the city… so they must have some kind of chemistry.

I support this decision…and to prove it I will share a few advices I got from taxi drivers.

The city at night, low traffic, raining… I’m in a cab, we pass by some hookers. The cab driver (around 45) looks at me and says: “never get a hooker when it rains. They have a wet hair, and could wet your pants”.

The city at day, high traffic, sunny… I’m in a cab, stuck in traffic. Out of the blue, the cab driver looks at me and goes: “you know what you should do? You should walk more. I hate customers that use the cab for a mile or two. What the hell is wrong with you? Next time…walk!”

So… if you have ever been in a cab, and got an advice from the cab driver… share… let’s make it a cab driver counseling post… maybe you don’t have any use for that advice, but could come in handy to other people, or to an entire country…